April 5, 2010 - Leta Autrey

April 5, 2010
Several years ago, I entered a time in my life which has brought about the most change I may have ever known. Some of the change has been difficult. Some of it has involved great loss. But throughout this time of change, God has waited for me, faithful to comfort me and restore my peace.

My husband Sam, a strong, handsome, smart and remarkable man, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s some time ago. At first his symptoms were very minor. And even today, he is so much better off than so many people who have this disease. He is still at home, he still knows all of our family and close friends, his mind is still active, and he can be as charming, quick, and funny as he ever was. But his memory has steadily diminished, and he rarely goes anywhere these days, which is very different from the life we have shared during our nearly 60 years of marriage. We have always been very active, always traveled a lot, and always been very involved in our church and community. Now I do most of these things without my husband.

I have lived a wonderful life enjoying the protection and provision of a strong and godly man, and now it is up to me to make decisions and take care of things I have never had to before. I have also grieved the loss, in many ways, of my favorite partner and best friend. More than the big things, like trips and vacation, I mourn over the small things. Sometimes I will see a couple at the grocery store, and my heart will long for that simple activity with Sam.

But in the middle of my sadness, God has brought me so many truths, and taught me so many things. The first lesson that I learned came to me during prayer time, when this question came into my head: “Did your marriage vows mean anything to you?” “Of course!” I answered, but then I thought about that. Isn’t this kind of struggle exactly what is meant by, “For better, for worse, in sickness and in health”?

Another thing God revealed to me was my own expectation that if the situation were reversed, I would need, desire, and expect Sam to take care of me! Hmmm….isn’t what’s good for the goose good for the gander, and vice versa?

Then again, I thought of so many people my age who have to work, just to pay the bills. Look at the job I have! I get to stay in my own home, keeping company with the man I love! I am not on my feet all day. I can take a break whenever I want, even take a nap when I feel like it!

Finally it came to me one day that there is a call and a privilege in caring for one of God’s children – much less the child of God to whom you have pledged your heart and loyalty for the rest of your life.

The most important lesson I have learned during this journey has also come in the form of a question. “Where is my strength? Where is my refuge?” For most of my life, I would have answered quite sincerely, “God is!” but in this season, I had to face that I have drawn a lot of comfort and refuge from the strong and faithful man that I married. While there is nothing wrong with this, I have learned all over again who the real source of my strength is, and I am relying on my Heavenly Father for more than I may ever have before; for my comfort, for my joy, for my direction, provision, and peace.

Not that I don’t want to throw my hands up and scream sometimes! There are days when I am tired, uncertain, sad, or stressed. But I am trying to decide earlier in the cycle to turn it all over to God, so that I can receive the rest and renewal he so lovingly waits to give me.

Leta Autrey