April 10, 2010 - Caroline Weir

April 10, 2010
I resist change. I like control and routine. My life looks irresistible when it is written in the narrow boxes in my planner. It’s amusing that I loathe something that is inevitable. After all, isn’t life full of adapting to change? As much as I prefer my routine, in the end, change is much more beneficial. Usually change is God’s way of reminding me control is an illusion, and He is my only constant. My sophomore year of high school is a prime example of one of His gentle reminders.

A few weeks after my sister and two of my best friends moved away, I began to feel incredibly lonely. My huge group of friends wasn’t so huge anymore. Maybe it really was the same, but I was different. I felt so separated from everyone; all I wanted was for my life to go back to normal. No one seemed to understand, and my friends were going places I knew I didn’t want to be and eventually quit calling me to come along. My heart was breaking and everyone was walking away and leaving me alone to pick up the pieces. The first semester passed with lots of tear stained journal pages, hysterical phone calls, and Netflix packages.

It was those lonely weekends full of tears that forced me to confide in the Lord. Instead of crying alone I would cry out to the Lord and journal my prayers in my green leather notebook. I began searching for any sign of hope or understanding in the Word. I hungered for comforting words from anywhere really. As I prayed for comfort, I found solace in Scripture and several new friendships. Now I know that through the loneliness of my sophomore year came my love for journaling, but in the midst of all that loneliness I didn’t know what God was doing.

It’s always easier to reflect on struggle once it is over. After reading my journals I realized I was so lonely because I defined myself by the number of friends I had. If my friends had never moved, I would have never spent all those nights crying and journaling. I would never know the volumes of joy and wisdom I have discovered through the pages of my journal and through the pages of the Bible. My resistance to change marks my ignorance and fully exemplifies his knowledge and power.

Caroline Weir