May 10, 2010 - Cynthia Shahan

May 10, 2010

Change is a funny thing. Either it affects us significantly or we barely feel it all. Take birthdays for example. Every birthday we turn one year older but when we wake up on that day we don’t miraculously feel a year older. We know our bodies are aging and over time we can certainly see and feel the effects but it’s not a drastic change. Then there are those changes that impact us in a matter of a second. March 5, 2009 was one of those for me. I was over at my parent’s house when I got a phone call from a good friend in KY. I could barely understand him, he was so upset, “Tolli’s been murdered.” Chris Tolliver, or Tolli as we called him, was a friend I met while working at Starbucks in Lexington. We were the same age, both trying to pursue our true passions but working at Starbucks part-time for health benefits. He was this amazing musical composer, singer, and actor. At the time of his death, he was finally getting to the point where he could focus on his music and quit Starbucks. After getting the initial call about his death, I was immediately flooded with phone messages and e-mails. All of them were the same. “Please come.” So, the next day I got in my car and made the 12-hour drive to Lexington to grieve with my Starbucks family. Most of my co-workers in that store were not Christians which made this tragedy even harder. Death, on its own, is a hard thing to deal with but a death this tragic and unexplainable was even more unbearable. As I wrestled with my own anger and hurt, I found such comfort in reuniting with these friends I hadn’t seen in almost a year. We were able to cry and even laugh together as we shared memories of Tolli’s life and the impact he made on us all. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him.

In general, I don’t adapt well to change. Even change that’s intended for good can be a little draining to me. I get comfortable with how things are. Now don’t get me wrong, I know change can be good and is necessary, but in the midst of it I find myself longing for the familiar. As much as we desire God to change US, it usually requires us to give up something we’ve been holding on to. It requires us to move out of the way to allow God to do something incredible. It requires us to give up control and trust that God’s ways are so much better than our own, even when we’re hurting. God’s been changing me for…well, forever, I suppose, but even more so in the last year as I’ve dealt with Tolli’s death. It has required me to let other people in when I’ve wanted to deal with things on my own. I’ve had to put down my pride and see that sometimes what may seem like a painful step can bring us one step closer to healing...to redemption.

Cynthia Shahan