May 9, 2010 - Wes Johnson

May 9, 2010

All my life, I've never been good enough.

For myself, for my Dad, for anyone. Perfection is an impossible goal, and yet that's what I felt like I was supposed to be. Every failure brought about more self-loathing.

I moved ten times during my childhood.
I went to church because I didn't have a choice.

After pursuing popularity and false friendships for five long years, I was taken away again to Abilene, Texas, where I vowed not to need people. Because it hurt too much.

We found a church and I tried my hardest not to get involved. Eventually my parents forced me onto a mission trip to Denver. On that trip, I found friendship. The real kind. Not this crap I'd been selling to myself for so long. Truth. God.

So God showed Himself to me, fully. How I was made to be loved, and how I was made to love.

A year later, I moved again. I clung to Abilene, mourning for the community I no longer had and the God who now seemed so very distant. It was a spiritual wasteland.

I met a girl, the only real friend I made in Illinois. We became best friends over the next year, went through a lot together. We started a really good relationship. I think at the time it was exactly what I needed.
I graduated and came here. She went to L.A. Things got pretty unhealthy. We came to depend on only one another, talking multiple times daily, hindering our growth in the places where we actually needed to be present. When we did get to see each other, it would escalate to a near-sexual level. What had been good now drained me like nothing else and separated me from the God who had been there all along, the God who wanted me back. It ended well.

Mary Margaret, who I'd met as a freshman, invited me to the Wesley in the fall of my junior year. I came and felt pretty out of place, but I knew that having God be a part of my life again was worth the discomfort.

It's funny how God works.

I forced myself to go on a mission trip with these Wesley kids I didn't really want to get to know. Guess what? On that trip I made some of the best friends I've ever had.

Kinda like Abilene.

The best part? He's been there through it all. He never left.

And I've always been good enough.

Thank You.

Wes Johnson.